Today, I got news that one of aunts passed away last night. She had been extremely ill for quite a while so it came as no surprise yet it certainly is a sad day for my family. Death always seems to make me pause and reflect on my life and my relationships. I’m 61 and, although I’m not senile or incapacitated , the reality of reduced functionality becomes ever so more obvious each day. I have to wonder: how much longer will it be? what will my later years be like? have I done enough to minimize my regrets in later years? what can I do now to ease the pain and anguish of unfulfillment that seems to be unavoidable in my “twilight years”?
There is no easy answer to any of this…. and, I doubt I’m even looking for anything that would finalize these musings. To me, life is an ongoing questioning into meaning and purpose and needs to be honored as such. I think the brain loves definitive answers and is much more comfortable when everything is placed in its proper “box”. There seems to be safety and succor when all the loose ends are neatly organized and categorized. I believe strongly that real personal growth takes place when we allow ourselves to stay in the question and give our thoughts and fears the space they need to unfold in their own way.
Where does this leave me, today? Well, nowhere and everywhere… I’m in no hurry to get past this. Rather, I’m letting things gestate and float aimlessly in my mind, noticing the internal conversation as it bubbles up from my unconscious while going about my daily trappings.
Just now, the dog we’re “sitting” came over to me and “demanded” I play with her… and, so, I will! And life goes on…